I Said the Wrong Thing Today

This morning, I took my nine-year-old daughter out for our regular Saturday morning bike ride. We make a habit of riding around town for about three miles. This morning, we chose to ride on the sidewalk.

We've done this route a few times before, and we both really enjoy it because the sidewalk is smoother and feels safer than the street. We left the house at 9:37 am.

The cool breeze on such a beautiful day made us welcome the hot sun. Toward the end of our ride, I told my daughter to turn right onto our street. And that's when, out of nowhere, she decided to turn left onto the busy street instead.

Only a second passed, but it seemed like an hour in slow motion. I froze as I watched her weave her way across the busy street without looking. I froze again as I realized that the cars going in both directions had stopped to let her go.

And then I realized that I needed to get across to her. The first rational thought that crossed my mind: She lived.

She made it. She's alive.

The second rational thought I had: I should get off my bike and run. In hindsight, this doesn't make much sense, as riding a bike to her would have been faster. But I decided to run as fast as I could.

When I got to her, I found her shaken and scared. I couldn't speak. I just stared at her.

When words finally came to my mind and out of my mouth, I said, "What in the world were you thinking? You could have been killed!"

I couldn't understand why she turned left. I couldn't understand why she didn't stop her bike and look both ways as she has been taught to do since she was a little girl.

I couldn't understand how she was still alive when she had come literally inches from getting hit by a car.

We rode home in silence. And when we got inside the house, we both went to our rooms.

I immediately got into the shower and replayed the whole thing again in my head. I thought about all of the things that could have happened. But mostly, I was searching for ways I could have stopped her.

I came up with dozens of things I should have done differently. I beat myself up for freezing instead of reacting immediately.

I thought how ridiculous it seemed to get off my bike and run. I thought about what a terrible mom I felt like to not demand that she stop her bike before every turn. I thought of all of the things I would have regretted if she were hit.

After the shower, I entered her room to find her crying, scared and worried that I was mad at her for making a mistake.

She said she got confused. She said that even though she heard me say "right," she thought we lived the other way and was just trying to go home.

And that's when it hit me. I couldn't have done anything.. Even if her mistake proved to be fatal, I could've done nothing to change the fact that, in her mind, “left” was the way to go.

I held onto her for as long as she let me, and I realized something. The only real regret I had regarding today's scare had nothing to do with how I failed to stop her bike from crossing that street. The regret I had: My immediate reaction and communication with my daughter.

The truth is that she made a snap decision beyond my control. The bigger truth is that throughout her life, she will make tons of similar decisions that won't make sense to me and that I won't be able to prevent.

I wish I would have thrown my arms around her to comfort her as soon as I got to the other side of the street. Instead, I focused on how I felt and let my emotions control that moment.

And I learned such a great lesson from it. Regardless of what mistakes she makes in her future, going forward, I will always choose to react with love instead of fear and comfort instead of strength.