My brilliant, quirky, wise, witty, wonderful 13-year-old son shared with me this week the fact that he is gay. And it's not a surprise to me or anyone who knows him—with his flair for impeccable fashion advice to his love of all things sparkly and kitty-related, he's a sensitive, gentle, extremely empathetic and kind kid. My boy proudly wore a hula skirt for weeks at age three, even to preschool (with his pink Crocs, of course).
His best friends, in fact, all of his friends have always been girls. He loves musicals and romantic comedies and video games that don't involve shooting or violence. I could go on but that's really not the point.
What is surprising is how illiterate I find myself in all matters LGBTQ. How naive I am about what this means to his future. How I'm struggling to find the support he'll need to feel accepted and part of a caring community that sees him for who he is without judgment.
Credit: purplesherbet.
I'm surprised that I can't stop my brain from racing and searching for ideas, information and resources. I want to make the world around him one of acceptance, with freedom to express himself as wildly as he wants, and where I can protect him from the haters. My control freak is on high alert and I can't shut it down.
Now that it's out there, I'm questioning so much, and I'm sad that some of it makes me fearful rather than hopeful. My son attends a charter school where most of his classmates are from conservative families—where science is often deemed counter to their beliefs, and where discussions on historical and political issues often veer toward the intolerant mindset. Although he feels comfy and safe there, because it's a small community, is he safe to be who he really is? What if he decides to start dressing to suit his flair for flamboyance? Will he still be accepted?
And where we live? It's conservative, so much so that we often consider returning to Silicon Valley where vast diversity is yields more tolerance. How will we find community for him here, with no LGBTQ youth support system that I can find, no programs that address teens who are questioning their sexuality. These programs may exist at the local schools, but that means subjecting him to the intolerant population at these schools, which—as we've already learned the hard way just isn't bearable for him.
And I know that this is just the beginning of the questions I'll need to explore as this journey is just beginning. I'm learning every day, finding resources that are helpful, and becoming a bit less naive.
Here are a couple of great books I've found helpful so far. I'd recommend them highly should you find yourself in a similar situation.
Queer is a humorous, engaging, and honest guide that helps LGBT teens come out to friends and family, navigate their new LGBT social life, figure out if a crush is also queer, and rise up against bigotry and homophobia.
It Gets Better shares original essays and expanded testimonials written to teens from celebrities, political leaders, and everyday people, because while many LGBT teens can't see a positive future for themselves, we can.
I'd love to hear any advice, wisdom, or hope you're willing to share. I'm confident and hopeful that my son can have a fabulous life just like anyone else, not free from bumps, but still a wonderful and successful expression of his true self. He just needs to find his role models, his people, his community.
Namaste.
Lori Anderson
*Oh-So-Sweet Serendipity*
@luckylori11